Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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