shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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