It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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