WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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