What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
