just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
