Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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