He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
