I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
