Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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