Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
