Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
