Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
im drinking this country out of the recession.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
