god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
