The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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