I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
