I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize