Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
he shaved USA in his pubs
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
