Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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