I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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