The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Panties = found
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
