you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
