I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
