an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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