I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
