I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
And then he peed in my hair
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