I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
