Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
