Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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