Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Randomize
