she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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