when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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