U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Randomize
