You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
