My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
