This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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