I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
