Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
