I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Is it penis luge time yet?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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