If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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