i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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