Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
