You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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