so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
