dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
