i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
