u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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