I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Randomize
