Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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