Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
