I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
