Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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