What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
