your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
