Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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