I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
