If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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