Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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