Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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