I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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