Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
