so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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