True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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