Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
