the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
