I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
