I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
