Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
