Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
