not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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