i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize