Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
