i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
